My mother and I didn't always get along. I'm ashamed of that. We had a rocky relationship from about the time I was 14 or 15. I was sassy, thought I knew everything I needed to know. I saw my mother as weak, and as allowing herself to be a doormat much too often, though I probably didn't know that that was what it was at the time. As I grew older, and I'm really talking just in the last couple of years, I saw myself in my mother a lot. Not the things I thought were "bad" qualities (because I later found out she was none of those things), but I saw the frustrations of adult hood, parenthood, and marriage. I was starting to understand everything she did, or didn't do. I just wish I had realized all of this sooner. I was truly starting to work on a better relationship with her. It was slowly but surely happening. I just couldn't erase 36 years of lifelong relationship issues in just a few months. My mom was often difficult to get along with, could really bring out the worst in you , if you let it. As I started my journey through this new spiritual awareness I was going through, all of my judgements and grudge-holding dissolved. I would speak to her about how I felt about certain spiritual subjects, but I was sure to do it respectfully and slowly. She was newly re-baptized back into her Catholic faith, and my mom loved Jesus. I have slightly different views, but she really was accepting and respectful of them, and of course, I hers. We were just getting to the meat of our bonding when she was taken away from me.
This is usually a post I would reserve for my other blog confessions of a thinkaholic, but I am wanting to introduce you to us a little bit here, and you may not be interested in fully immersing yourself over there, though I would be honored of you did.
Anyway, on March 30 (but more likely the 29th), my mother passed away. Alone. In her bedroom after being sick and vomiting all evening. I had no idea. I had just spoken to her the day before and she told me she was on a new medicine. A morphine patch. I had no idea that that would be the last time I spoke with her. That was the evening of the 28th. The morning of the 30th, my dad, a disabled veteran in a wheelchair for most of his time, hadn't heard from her all morning and thought she had slept in. He stays downstairs in their split level, and her bedroom was upstairs. He made it up those stairs and found my mom.
Finally after almost four months, we received her death certificate from the coroners office. It was ruled a cardiac arrest due to fentanyl overdose. Needless. Mom was just having back pain. Her dose was apparently too high.
I'm not trying to share gruesome details with you for sensationalism or sympathy. But what has transpired in my family over the next several months is almost unbelievable.
After we finally were starting to put the pieces together after moving dad the hour to be in our town, straighten out his finances, (that was a lot of work, as he took care of none of that), and getting everything settled, in June my husbands mother was a victim of a violent crime and was taken from us as well. We got on a plane to bypass the 18 hour drive it would have taken us otherwise, and started all over again. We were able to be with my husbands father and sisters and we took his 79 year old grandmother with us, and his aunt flew in from Europe so we could all be together. It was like going through it all over again. Funeral arrangements, insurance arrangements, meal planning. I am so grateful I was able to be there with them to handle things for them to make their transition a little softer, as I had just done it all myself not two and a half months earlier. In between both of these tragedies my teenage son had totalled my SUV. He's fine now but what more needs to come our way? After June when we started to settle back into almost normal daily life after my mother-in-laws death, my nephew became very sick and was admitted into a children's hospital for a week ($15,500 bill that my sister HOPES insurance is going to help pay), and my moms sister was admitted into the hospital for emergency cardiac catheterization due to severe clotting in her arteries and both legs and had been about 5 minutes from death herself.
So, what do you do with all of that? I asked myself the same question after mom died. Then again after Noah's mom died. We struggled a bit to find the answers. The why.
What my point here is, we could have reverted to anger, outrage, sickness, depression, hatred. But we chose not to. We chose. We have not always been the best most optimistic people. I've written a lot about that. My message to you is: you can change anything in your life. No matter what. You are the creator of your 'world'. You get to chose what happens in it.
No, I didn't choose for all of these horrible tragedies to happen, and neither did our families. But we get to choose our reactions to it. We get to look for the deeper meaning in them. We get to look on the bright side of any situation. Am I happy about what has happened?
Definitely not. I wish I could take it all back. I miss my mom so much and I feel cheated everyday that I didn't get to finish our journey together. The same goes for Noah and his mom. And all of our family. These women weren't done living. They were vivacious, and had goals and dreams like anyone else. My mother had just turned 69 on March first and Noah's mom was only 61. They didn't choose for this to happen to them. I don't know all the answers, I'm not an expert. I just know that everyday when we wake up we have the chance to make choices. Noah and I chose love. Loving memories, loving feelings, and forgiveness. We know our moms are together out there, and that they are at peace. I believe that my mom finally knows how I feel and has all of her answers. It's us back here on the earthly plane that mourn the loss. Choosing to love one another and not harbor negative thoughts and feelings is in honor of our mothers, our Creator, and ourselves.
My wish for all of you is that you love one another, say what is in your heart, forgive while you still can and live each day of your life with gratitude and as if it is the ultimate gift...because it is.
I wish you all wonderfulness...
Nanette
*I recently wrote an article for a wonderful website called Tiny Buddha.com, you can read it here. It's about the deaths of our moms, and handling life after tragedy and finding peace.
**I wrote this post on Saturday night, but held off posting it because I wanted to put the link to the above article in it. I was willing to wait the other month it would potentially take to be posted. Tonight I had a feeling I needed to check my email, just in case. Lori at Tiny Buddha had sent me the email I was waiting for with the link to my post two days before...I immediately posted this with the link, then went back and read the comments when I got to work. I answered them, but while re-reading this, it says just about everything each one of them said. Synchronicity.
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